You didn't know ... I didn't say

The little soft clenched hands held my finger innocently
you didn't even know what was wrong with you

Your little elf like ears listening to my callings
You didn't even know how dear they were to me

The beating heart with a thousand medical faults
You didn't even know how pure it was for me

The way your eyes looked back to me
you didn't even know how proud i felt being with you

The fragrance of your breath when mesmerized my senses
you didn't even know how peaceful it felt beside you

The little smile you gave only lasted for seconds
you didn't even know how long my heart danced with joy

Seeing you cry seeing you in pain
You dint even know how many times it broke my heart

Feeling your heartbeat, seeing you breath
you didn't even know how many times i sighed with relief

Your coming into my life and then leaving mercilessly
You dint even know how many times i fought and begged the Creator

You were an angel and you went back to heavens
I didn't even know when I smiled and when I shed tears

All that you didn't know all that i didn't say to you
i don't even know if i will ever be able to tell you...

Bundle of joy...

I don't know where to start when I think of all the feelings you gave me when you came into this world.

How looking at you for the first time all wrapped in towels and blankets..made my day.. How my heart missed a beat..how touching you for the first time was the most wonderful thing I have ever done..how I was mesmerised by the way you started your cry..how your little cries made me joyful beyond bounds..

I will tell you how your bright little starry eyes made me feel...The way they looked back at me at me for the first time.. I felt so proud that you saw me.. Almost fell in love with myself.

I will tell you how your fragrant breath made me feel... The way it touched my cheeks when I kept you close to my heart..when you held my finger in your little hands..I felt loved and I felt you belong to me and I to you.

I will tell you how your beating heart made me feel alive and how your little hands told me I was not alone anymore.. I will tell you how fortunate it felt when I hugged you how peaceful it felt when I kissed you.. How I felt no meditation can bring me peace as I get when I sleep beside you.

You told me what is a bundle of joy.. You taught me how beautiful life can ever be.. You made me realised what is the biggest joy in life actually is.

I know you are going to go away.. I am never going to have you in my arms again...feel your breath your heartbeat your fragrance and your starry eyes staring back at me..But I am content that you are going to be okay.. Away from this painful world and people.. You are an angel you do not belong to this world.

You came here for a purpose.. You filled our lives with joy for a day and you are going to leave us in pain that will remain there in our hearts all our lives.. But you taught us many things..and virtues that not many of us possess.. Patience..thankfulness.. Understanding.. Helping each other.. Kindness and love.

Dedicated to my T18 nephew 

Azlaan Ammad Awan 

Bonds beyond Diversity

It was one evening while i walked passed the river corrib,i was irritated to see that the stone on which i usually sit is occupied by an old man in tattered & paint stricken clothes. The man was in his late 60's surely enjoying the river and its serenity with a beer can in one hand and a sandwich in the other. I on the other hand felt disappointed that my place was taken. That Man had those Irish blue eyes and wrinkled face, but there was something about him which compelled me to smile at him, after which he said something which made me blush with embarrassment.

"Hey girl, Don't ask me for money, i don't have none"

he said in a irritated tone. I was shocked and more than that i was angry & embarrassed. Unintentionally i looked down at my top, jeans and joggers and i found them perfect. I tried explaining

"Wait do you think i am a be....???"

"Look girl said i have no money to give you and nor i am going to go out with you"

I looked at him in utter disbelief! He was not listening to me and was judging my smile on such low standards. I was angry beyond limits but i somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and walked past him.

But something inside me stopped me right after few meters and made me turn around. i went charging back towards him. He looked scared now i stood before him and said with smile:

"Do i look like i need Money or Do i look like i am going to mug you"

he still was scared and started mumbling. I pointed towards a small stone and i asked him if i can sit."

"Yes! okay! sit! but if you need money or if you want me to go with you i will not do that i am telling you."

I ignored his accusations yet again, even though i had tears in my eyes now which i could not hold back, but i was determined to clear my position. Controlling my emotions i told him

"Please relax i just want to talk"

He mumbled irritably again and said "ok talk"

I am not sure exactly why i wanted to prove to him so badly that i dont have any material needs, i said:

"I am from Pakistan, i am here to attend a conference and i usually sit at the exact same place every evening. If i smiled at you it doesn't necessarily mean that i need something from you. But as you accused me i want you to know that i am not a beggar or a mugger."

He looked slightly embarrassed but still it felt like he was having trouble believing me. "What you want to talk about?" He asked irritably.

I looked away and started staring at the river, i didn't want to tell him that i was weak.

"I have this habit for years that every evening i sit with my family and i talk about my day, ever since i arrived at Galway, i have no one to listen to me like that. I want to talk to people but i am scared of the cultural differences and that they might not like me. I unintentionally smiled at you because you made me think about my father."

My voice got heavy and i started sobbing even though i tried hard not to. His blue eyes filled with kindness, He knew that i was young, travelling alone and homesick. I dried my tears with my sweater sleeve. He told me he lives with his wife near here and he was painting their home with his wife, out of tiredness he came here to relax. he also added that his children are settled abroad.I nodded in understanding but said nothing, and for few moments we both remained silent, staring at the greying Corrib river, as if understanding each other.

We talked for hours that day, about Family, Friends, God, Psychology, Nature, Travel, Experiences and what not. We laughed hard and we cried too. Time made two people from opposite poles such close friends.

It was getting darker when we realized it was time to leave. He told me not to talk to strangers like that and i understood. He told me to go out with people of your age, initiate conversations, and be brave.

It was a moment of realization for both of us when we shook hands and He said.

"My name is John. what's yours?"

We both laughed loud at that point, and understood so many things without saying them out.

STRANGERS...!!!

I like watching people on my way to work every morning.

For some reason I am obsessed with those particular thirty minutes that I spend with them, watching them from the glass window, and secretly being part of them for a moment. One cannot possibly have a faintest idea of the stories of these people, How and where they are living, their sufferings, their joys and the moments they share with their families and with the people they know and love, their problems and their thoughts.

Many of them seem like taking kids to schools, Mothers with sleepy eyes and messed hair, running with their kids in their most casual attire to help them reach schools on time, and others are the fathers driving the kids, their sleeves folded up to the elbows, sweating and frowning at the traffic or other careless passerby’s. Many are the children who just walk alone, yawning and dragging their heavy bags and feet towards their schools at a snail’s pace. A lot of them are on their way to their workplaces, some of them are waiting at the bus stops, others are walking, some are driving themselves and others are being driven by chauffeurs.

I like thinking about their stories, how they might be with their families and loved ones. Little kids, how beloved they must be to their parents and family. How this father must have touched the tiny little fingers of the son, he is now driving to school. Poor or rich, these people must have been enjoying the simple joys of life. Joys of smiling at someone and being smiled at, joys of loving someone and being loved, joys of the mother’s scold and father’s care, joys of friendship and trust, joys of being alive and safe and surrounded by people who love and care about you.

I wonder sometimes that how harmless they look, how normal how peaceful. But the fact that every half hour a person is killed in this city of lights has made me rethink my perceptions about these people I meet every day.

Today when I watched these people on my way, I just wondered if anyone of them has not been touched by the violence, bloodshed and brutality that have engulfed our city and our lives. I doubted if every one of them is harmless and non-disruptive. I kept wondering if none of them has lost their loved ones, or may be parts of them in Blasts and Firing incidents that happen in the streets every day.  

Who are these people? are these people really harmless as they seem to be or they are one of "them" whom we fear, I asked myself again, if none of them will ever harm anyone, or ever have.. suddenly this long and emotional acquaintance with these passerby's seemed vague and I felt myself as a victim of a foolish, immature and unsafe emotion. How could these strangers be my thought-mates? How could I feel sensitively attached to them and their routines? They all can be harmful.  I can trust nobody here; Not trusting here is the right way to go, is the right thing to do and this is what I have to do and I am told the same everyday when I leave for somewhere other than home.

I have trouble finding people harmless, I am having trouble trusting anyone around me. These are all mere strangers.. mere strangers.. mere harmful strangers. I seriously wonder if i am ever going to be able to trust and have my faith back. But i doubt it until this brutal bloodshed stops for good.

Little Hands, Hopeful Eyes

Hopeful eyes, or hopeless... i could not decide. can you?

I don't know who he is.. I don't even know his name.. Nor I asked.. 

How can i ask.. I was so numb..

Why do we feel so ashamed sometimes? So ashamed that we cant speak, cant meet eyes with someone.

On a usual evening, I met a traffic jam on my way back to office and suddenly I saw him, standing on a footpath with fresh jasmine flowers in his hand, with a smile fresher than his flowers. I see these street children everyday. But it never caught my heart the way it caught this time.

I was looking at him with no expression or emotion in my heart.. I was just staring at him, out of boring cars and shouting people because he was the only thing around that entertained me, His smile was very innocent very bright, very compelling.. As a selfish Human Being, I was looking at him just for my own entertainment.

Suddenly, A bike rider fell down, and his bike was all over him, When this kid runs over and helps the bike rider, He gives his little hand to the bike rider, helped him get up and helped him with the bike as well, simultaneously holding and balancing the stick with flowers which he was selling in the other hand.

Now the bike rider was back on bike, the little boy gave him a smile, But without saying thank you or a little pat on the boy's back he hurried on his way and the boy started counting his flowers.. 

It was almost like someone has slapped me hard and realization hit my face what am I doing? What are we doing? Where are we going? This child was between 9-12 years of age standing on a footpath selling flowers. Does he deserves that? Doesn't he deserves books in his hands? Doesn't he deserves to be in a school? He is an innocent child, if he can not fight for his right why cant we do that for him? Can we think of the same future for our children? would we be able to bear this if this happens? would anyone of us will let our 12 year old go out on the street...ah.. Thinking of it makes my spine cold.. Why we cant feel anything for others? We are Humans, We talk about change everyday, we get so much from our country everyday? How numb we have become? How cold blooded we have become? I started looking at him again, with a woken up conscience, which I know was temporary as usual. Tears ran down my cheeks but I wiped them before anyone could see.

 I feel ashamed of my existence, my Education, my morals.. What have I done up till now? Nothing..

If I am a literate, I have not used it for others and consequently not for myself if I haven't spread it.

My education has no value until I have not fulfilled its core purpose.

If I have chances, I have not used them. If I have contacts i have not used them.

If I have pen i haven't used it. If I have social media I have not even touched it.

Education was his right and he was deprived of it, He was a child labor as well.

He was selling flowers to people, but nobody was taking out thorns of illiteracy from his painful destiny.

He was helping people, but nobody realized he deserves to be helped.

He was doing his part, being an 12 year old he is helping people on roads with his little hands, he is selling flowers spreading fragrance love and freshness, and at the age of 26 what have I done for him or millions of children like him? even when it was in my hands.. I didn't do anything..

Even when I was not able to meet his eyes, I called him, i asked him to smile for the camera when I myself have tears in my eyes. He was looking at me surprised.. I bought flowers, he was giving more but i asked him to keep them with him..

He taught me Enough.. Enough..Enough for a life time..

The Wandering Soul..

The Wandering Soul..

I feel like a wandering soul,

Away from

The plastic people

And the concrete buildings

I feel like a wandering soul

Far away..

From the shadows

Lost in the valleys

Chasing rainbows

I am a wandering soul

No one can hear

When I shout

I am the odd one out

I wander away

Where no one knows me

Where no one shows me

The directions

Where no one does my

Corrections

Where no one gives me

Dictations

Where no one tells me

about 

The rights and Wrongs

Do's and Dont's

My Wandering Land

is my safe heaven

where,

there is no one but me,

My safe heaven

Where no one

Questions,

My existence

My worth

My values

My thoughts

My dreams

I wander aimlessly

Here to there, and There to beyond

Surround & Around,

And even more beyond

all directions are mine

all notions are mine

where,

There are no windows

Only open doors

where,

there are no boundaries

but

Only limitlessness

Infinity

and

freedom

I wander deep into

My thoughts and my dreams

I wander lost into

My memories I cherish

My memories I Regret

I see things

 That no one can see

I feel things

That no one ever feel

Away from the plastic world

Away from the mocking world

I have this land

where I feel safe

Where I feel lost

I am a wandering soul

Lost in my own world

I am a wandering soul

I feel safe when I lose control

I feel safe

when i find my self 

astray and faraway

In the land of lost..

The Alchemist - Follow your Dreams!

The Alchemist is all about listening to your heart and Following your dreams. It is about "Your Personal Legend" which is what you have always wanted to accomplish but you never strive for it, you never go for it.. this personal legend is what you need to find within yourself, It is about the idea that: "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it". This very concept is the core theme of the book.

A magical, enchanting and inspiring novel by the famous Brazilian writer Paulo Coelho, Translated and published in 1993 broke records of selling and still exists as a best seller to date.

The novel revolves around a free spirited Spanish shepherd "Santiago" who longs to travel the world. After having recurring dreams, which compels him to go out in the World and find treasure meant for him. He sets off on a journey, where he meet different people. He meets A King, A Gypsy and an Alchemist whilst his Journey and all of them direct him on the same path and same spiritual quest of finding .. "The treasure at the foot of Pyramids"

There are uncountable lessons that Santiago along with the reader learns, there are people whom he meets, He fells in Love with an Arabian girl the places, deserts, oasis, forests, Tangerines. Every aspect of life which we come across is depicted in and through the incidents of Santiago's Life.

In the end the boy in the story who was searching for his treasure, despite the long travels and experiences, find his treasure not in the place where he suspected it to be, but in the place where he came from. Apart from the worldly earthy treasure he discovers a far greater treasure of wisdom, self knowledge and enlightenment.

The story of Santiago is an eternal testament to the transformation power of our dreams and the importance of listening to our hearts.